10 Commandments of a Teenager - 1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait that long) 2) Thou shall not do drugs. (alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.) 3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart. (Walmart has a bigger selection) 4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this) 5) Thou shall not steal from your parents. (everyone knows grandma has more money) 6) Thou shall not get into fights. (Cat fight anyhow...just start them.) 7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off) 8) Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more) 9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (like Nike says, "just do it") 10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street. (just leave'm in the middle)
Make a Wish - 10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike. Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now. He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating " Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man." Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room. Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating " Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly. Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her. Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams " I GOT IT !!!!!!" JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING " OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE"
Penis and the Windsheild - A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife". About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window. Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter). The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?" Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly". "Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter... "Did you see the size of it's dick!
Smart Kid! - A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. “Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?” “Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!” “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?” “Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. ”Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?” “Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.” “Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”
Condom Education - A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
The Train - A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"
A future fireman - A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." "Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"
One-Upmanship - A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl, "I have a Nintendo!" Little girl says, "Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!" Little boy says, "So, my dad's a doctor!" Little girls says, "My dad's an astronaut!" Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis. The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces, "My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!
Hypothetical Question - A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Poor froggy - A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string. He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam. "Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy. "Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam. The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand. "One lady coming up." says the madam. "And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy. "Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean." The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam. "One dirty girl, coming up," she says. The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?" The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!"
In the closet - A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is." the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks." the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball" the little extortionist continues. "Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars." the little boy replies. "Twenty-five dollars!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is." replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Okay. How much this time!" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars." the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them" replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars." the little boy says. "Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness." the father explains, as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" The priest says..."Don't you start that crap in here now!"
Taste Test - A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
Little Johnny and Sex Education - A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.
Buying a Barbie Doll - A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken. She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."
Different Balls - A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart. An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads, and the mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls. One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"
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